I Think We Need a Break
Sometimes we need to step away from something in order to reconnect with what we loved about it in the first place. On the flip side it could show us that we no longer are enamored with or feel the same way about it that we did before.
10 years ago, I was 27, I was making music and partying all the time, and was for sure smoking weed everyday by this point. I was definitely a daily smoker leading up to this point for several years, but I don’t remember when I actually started smoking every day because it wasn’t necessarily something I intentionally set out to do. When I was younger, I used to smoke weed and try other drugs to explore mental spaces and states of minds, and eventually I forgot that analyzing and observing the sober state of mind is equally valuable. At some point it just became commonplace to get high. It became routine like a cup of coffee or having some chocolate after dinner. For some of us, it just becomes something that you do. And, at some point it becomes part of who you are and sometimes becomes part of your identity.
It was easy to keep regularly consuming THC though because of the benefits that it and other cannabinoids provide. Smoking cannabis has helped me with my anxiety and depression, getting sleep, adjusting my perspective so I can see things from different angles, winding down, and it helped with pain management. Smoking weed also helped with hangovers, helped from repetitively being stuck on personal problems, being sick, was a way to party or let loose, or was useful for getting through a shitty job. Cannabis helped me quit drinking, it helped me quit smoking cigarettes after 22 long years, and it helped me get off of opiates and benzodiazepines. It had become a sort of panacea for myself. Unfortunately, I think it became a crutch after a while instead of a tool.
Now I don’t drink, so I don’t deal with hangovers. I’m working through personal problems without cannabis. I have continuously been doing internal work to get the best of my anxiety and depression. I don’t really party much anymore, and I don’t need to be inebriated in order to have fun when I do go to parties. Also, I don’t smoke weed while at work anymore, so a lot of the things that I used to depend on herb for aren’t issues anymore, which is partially where this break comes into play.
I have noticed that sometimes smoking cannabis can make you less present and take you out of the moment rather than enhance it. It also seems to kill motivation in certain regards or times, but it does help with motivation or being present at other times, so it becomes more so about using cannabis at more appropriate times rather than using it all the time and just because. I have undoubtedly noticed the memory problems associated with high cannabis usage, and am interested to see if and how quickly that can be remedied.
The purposes of this tolerance break were to reframe my relationship with cannabis in a healthier way, to remind myself what a sober, clear head feels like, and determine whether or not it is comparable to a “sober” head throughout the day when cannabis is abstained from until the evening, as well as to prove to myself that I don’t need to rely on cannabis like I used to. I want to regain more of my memory, and want to keep my train of thought much better. I don’t want to become some burnout dad. I don’t want to be reliant on external forces to make my life better.
Day one: Normal day overall. Certain points in the late afternoon/evening felt weird not smoking since it used to be routine. My stomach was a little tight. I could tell I was hungry, but it was a strange, muted hunger. A general sense of agitation set in as the night progressed. Later in the evening, there was still a lack of appetite. It was the same feeling as earlier, like I could tell I was hungry, but it could be easily ignored. Whereas when consuming cannabis, the munchies cannot be ignored. I didn’t feel as relaxed as usual when laying down for bed. At the end of the night, I got in an argument with my wife while getting ready for bed, which was a big test. I really felt like smoking after that since some good dank is perfect for letting things like that roll off the shoulders much faster than usual. Going to sleep was difficult.
Day two: Slept fine, but I experienced more wake periods at night than usual in addition to some light night sweats. I was very tired in the morning, but that very well could’ve been from going to bed late due to the argument. No perceived weirdness during work hours, but, again, I don’t normally smoke during work anyway. I maybe had a slightly better recall with my memory… maybe. I had a better appetite in the evening with less agitation, and less cravings or inclinations to smoke. I was a little more tired than yesterday. I felt as lethargic as usual. I thought the lethargy was from smoking, but it seems to be from working and various stressors throughout the day. My appetite was still off. I didn’t enough dinner, which caused me to need to eat later on because I can’t fall asleep hungry very well. However, I wasn’t a fan of what we ate for dinner, and it made me wonder later if I would’ve eaten much more of it was one of my preferred meals, so there is another variable like the night before that skews the data a tad. It was clear though that I would make more of an effort to eat a lot more when having the munchies… In fact, with cannabis eating is effortless and the hunger can be insatiable. I was also getting obsessed about thoughts I forgot about earlier in the day, which was something I remember from before smoking. I felt like I had to remember every little detail, and would obsessively comb through my brain until I finally found the innocuous thought. I think there’s a middle ground with having a good memory, but also letting thoughts go and drift by like in meditation. It’s one thing to forget what you’re saying while you’re saying it, and a totally other thing when you can’t remember some silly tidbit you wanted to tell someone six hours ago. I had less of an overall sense of agitation later in the evening, and felt more relaxed than the night before, but I still had trouble falling asleep.
Day three: Having trouble falling asleep has been the biggest problem since not smoking. I hadn’t been tired enough, and had felt a little uncomfortable internally despite having felt somewhat tired and relatively comfortable earlier in the evening. It’s hard to judge the quality of sleep last night since it wasn’t long enough. I would wake more easily too. My dreams were a little more prominent, but nothing crazy. I had been waking up hungry from not eating enough the night before. I wonder why I don’t have a problem eating in the day, but do at night. It does seem that in the day I do eat smaller portions normally, and then get high and eat a decent sized dinner only to proceed to raid the pantry for the rest of the night, so maybe without cannabis I just naturally eat smaller portions. I had much less of a sweet tooth as well. I typically make it a point to eat dessert later on in the night, but hadn’t cared enough to do so thus far into the break. It did feel as though my mental acuity may have been becoming sharper again, but that could be from trying to engage my brain more, and the writing I had been doing about this could’ve been helping as it usually does. I thought about this, and decided that when I started smoking again, I will need to keep this in mind especially whenever consuming too much or having too fun of a night and feel that brain fog creeping back in. I figured the best mode of action would be to accept the brain fog and dial back the consumption rather than consuming more cannabis to initially counteract the effects, which inevitably continues the cycle. I ate a good-sized dinner that consisted of two bowls of pasta and some garlic bread. I had like three chocolate covered pretzels a little later on, but still wasn’t feeling the sweets. The general lack of a sweet tooth was a little strange and unexpected. I went to bed late again around midnight.
Day four: I woke up pretty irritated this morning. It happens sometimes, but I wasn’t expecting it because I had been waking up in decent moods ever since starting the tolerance break, so I wasn’t sure if it’s the abstaining that caught up with my mood or if it was the six hours of sleep a night I had been consistently getting. Either way, I was ready for this to be over. I was so ready to relax more at night and to get better sleep again. Last day… Last day. The stresses of arguments with my wife and getting little sleep had gotten to me, but I was able to get over it for the most part. I felt a little more anxious than usual though. Work was a little difficult to get through due to the raised anxiety, and from having unresolved personal issues from the night before. I couldn’t wait to leave work, and was really looking forward to the next day when I could finally smoke again. However, once I got off work and picked up my kid, I felt great. It was interesting how that happened. We went and got ice cream and had a nice afternoon. My appetite was back. I ate a large dinner and even had some dessert after my son went to bed. I laughed watching TV and felt relaxed. I was able to fall asleep at a decent time, maybe like 10:30ish. On this day the experiences were flipped. My work day was filled with more uncomfortable, tense feelings, but my home life was more normal and enjoyable. I got some good hours of exhausting sleep… I forgot how tiring dreaming can be! It probably didn’t help that most of the dreams had to do with anxiety.
Day five: I woke up feeling rested for the most part. I was looking forward to later in the evening when I could smoke again, because I do still think cannabis is an amazing, beneficial plant, but I wasn’t craving it, and I didn’t feel antsy for the break to be over like I was during earlier parts of the break and the day before. That could be because I know it’s over and I have some dank herb waiting for me later. I was going to allow myself to smoke before bed this night, and was limiting it to a small amount, but that shouldn’t be a problem since my tolerance should be drastically lower. Also, I wasn’t going to smoke earlier in the day like I normally would’ve before the break
One of the harder things initially was disrupting routines. Smoking on the way home from work, after dinner, when watching a movie, or especially before bed was when cannabis crept it’s was back into my thoughts. Eating decent sized portions of dinner, and falling asleep were the biggest challenges. One minute challenge was constantly being surrounded by herb since I work as a cultivator in the cannabis industry. There was also an abundance of potent, pungent, terpy nugs and rosin in my stash, so temptation was always within grasp. Honestly though, the whole thing was easier than I had anticipated, and I’m so glad that I decided to take the dive. The big take away was that it seems as though tailoring and monitoring consumption habits and being more cautious of overconsumption, as well as having positive lifestyle choices and beneficial activities is a key component of not letting cannabis have detrimental effects on one’s life.
For the next break I will be trying to go for two weeks, but I will be microdosing psilocybin 3 days on and two days off during that abstinence. I will also be trying to supplement some sort of melatonin or something to help make falling asleep easier, especially in the earlier days of the break if falling asleep is still an issue. I wanted to microdose during this break and was tempted with sleep aids, but the point of this break was to avoid any sort of external chemicals besides whatever is provided in food. The only drug that I was using was caffeine, and I’m currently dialing back on caffeine consumption drastically. I want these types of things to enhance my life rather than be necessities. I want them to be a nice addition if they are there, but aren’t missed if they aren’t there.
During these days of sobriety, I found myself thinking about how interesting it is that some people raw dog life with no chemical interventions for momentary relief when life gets too heavy. Certain things may feel good and bring temporary relief to the pressures of life, but it’s important to listen to your brain and body. Know when to roll ‘em, and know when to fold ‘em. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em… or don’t. You know what is best for yourself deep down.
